Year End Sorting Bin: I Wouldn’t Piss On You If You Were On Fire

The Architect… of shit
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Welcome to the first Year End Sorting Bin, where I put wrestlers in neat little sorting bins based on how much I enjoy their presence on a given show. Unequivocal Hatred is the first category, and it’s reserved for the people that make me want to change the channel, or they’re incredibly terrible in other ways. The time has come to get into the dirt, baby.

Seth Rollins – No one has ever been more ill-equipped to handle the role of top star in WWE. Not even Kevin Nash, whose greatest sin as an anti-draw was that being the hero didn’t suit him, was as bad as a banner carrier than the so-called Architect. His list of sins includes going after Dave Meltzer for no reason, losing a Twitter beef to Will Ospreay, trying to get a hashtag over stating he was cool, and the worst offense, not being good at professional wrestling. Before I stopped watching WWE after Money in the Bank, I can only count on one hand the instances where he sparked joy, and it was just because he went over Brock Lesnar in short order and got him out of the way early at Mania. Otherwise, he can fuck off back to Iowa for all I care.

Will Ospreay – It’d be one thing if he was just a piece of shit who shouldn’t be wrestling and instead reflecting on his life to this point, but he’s a shitty wrestler too. You can be a piece of shit; well, you shouldn’t be a piece of shit. However, if you shuffled all the pieces of shit out of wrestling, well, you get the point. But every Ospreay match except the one where he got dumptrucked by Lance Archer featured so many off-target flippy moves combined with preening that I have to wonder if he’s even in it for the art at all. It’s an unpopular opinion to say Will Ospreay is an awful wrestler, but man, he fucking sucks. Also, I hope Sadie Gibbs kicks him in the balls.

Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar – Lesnar is a good wrestler, a great one at that. I’m not sure whatever great sprints he has left in him are worth what he brings to WWE. Well, to me, it’s “were,” because he’s a big reason why I stopped watching. Shouts to Heyman for cutting the same promo since Lesnar got back though. He’s an all-time micman though, I believe you when you say this.

Ivelisse Velez, Santana Garrett, Teddy Hart, and Chasyn RanceJustice for Samantha Fiddler.

Lars Sullivan – He’s been inactive most of the year, but the fact that he wasn’t fired when racist message board posts in the past came up with no real attrition says more about WWE than it does him. Still, I don’t need him on my screen at all.

TJP – Remember when he came back to New Japan during the Super J Cup and people booed him out of the building? I do.

Bully Ray – Honestly, it’s telling the only way he can get relevant anymore is by frogmarching a fan who boos his girlfriend, who’s a heel, by the way. Whether or not that fan was saying lewd shit to women (which if he was would be inexcusable on his behalf) is irrelevant once you decide you want to play Pro Wrestling Secret Police with one of the few people still giving you money. Well, even if he was there for free, that’s not a way to treat a human being, period. Of course, because the company running Ring of Honor is too busy doing President Trump’s local propaganda, nothing happened to him. That’s the frustrating thing out of all this. Shitheads like Bully Ray get to be small business tyrants on steroids and they get away with it because there are no consequences anywhere for anyone who was famous for a minute in this business. Hopefully, his irrelevance is punishment enough, but I mean.

Josh Barnett – They really downgraded giving Bloodsport to this Proud Boys apologist.

EC3 – Honestly, if I were hoarding talent and I just signed the guy who was a cult hero in TNA to sign him, I wouldn’t push him either if he can’t walk without looking like he’s got a poopy in his pants.

El Ligero – I refuse to believe NXT UK is anything more than a tax shelter but hey, if they’re gonna push dudes who didn’t get the message that the El Generico gimmick was racist as hell, well.

Jim Ross – Ross actively brings the booth down on Dynamite. Like, Tony Schiavone is in a similar boat in that he’s not catching up to speed as quickly as possible, but at least he’s trying. What is Ross doing other than cashing a paycheck so he can unabashedly be horny on Twitter?

Michael Elgin – If guys who can skate on credible accusations of abuse don’t suffer any consequences, what makes you think the unicorns who have false abuse/rape allegations against them have their lives ruined?

Lacey Evans – She’s an effective heel and a capable wrestler, but man, I’m sorry, I can’t get past MAGA as a gimmick, one that she kinda lives.

Thomas Latimer – When Nick Aldis says to hire the domestic abuser to your fledgling wrestling TV show, you should probably say no. Besides, what can he do that some beanpole who flunked out of the CZW Academy can’t?

Ronda Rousey – See Lesnar, Brock.

Jimmy Havoc – You wanna know why Excalibur choking him out at Jimmy’s Seafood was so funny? Because Havoc, who is a deathmatch legend in England (like being the best Italian chef in Nunavut), is really not good at imposing himself. He’s a sad little goth with a stapler, and once he’s done stapling someone, the illusion of fear goes away. He’s not Nick Gage. He’s not even Jimmy Lloyd. The total antipathy towards him in the ring is strong.

Corey Graves and Jerry Lawler – Any credit WWE gets for having a focused commentary team goes right out the window with these two windbags.

Marty Scurll – You could say I hate BritWres, and that’s not entirely true. I just don’t like the nonces and the bad wrestlers and the unworthily hyped, and well Scurll hits all three, y’know.

Anthony Carelli – As entertaining as he was as Santino Marella, Carelli’s transphobic comments really take the sheen off whatever he has left. If his match with Simon Grimm at Bloodsport was any indication, it’s not a whole hell of a lot.

Flip Gordon – The Earth is a sphere.

Dolph Ziggler – Can’t this asshole just follow through on his threats to leave wrestling?

Bad Luck Fale – In any given year, he is the most likely wrestler to be a drain on the G1 Climax, and yet he’s always in the fray. I’d literally rather see anyone else in there, even Ospreay. Fuck, can New Japan just give Manabu Nakanishi one last run in there? Please?

Baron Corbin – I’m sure he’s a good guy who entertains people, but if your enumerating reasons why I don’t watch The Fed anymore, well, he’s one of them.

Randy Orton – He wasn’t all that great when he gave a shit, and the last time he did so was in 2013.

Kane – The only thing worse than a bad wrestler is a bad wrestler who holds office as a Libertarian.

Undertaker – The funniest thing is seeing people clutch pearls at him breaking character. He should never work a match again, so I don’t give a shit if he does. He embodies every stupid carny tradition, and the business will be better off when he fucks off to his home in Texas to post on the Fox News boards and donate royalty checks to Ted Cruz.

Jim Cornette – The shame part is that he was a decent color commentator on NWA Powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but the thing is, does saying words well negate every single toxic element of his personality? The man’s mission is to make sure wrestling doesn’t grow or prosper unless it’s done a way that hasn’t drawn in two decades. It’d be one thing if he were some guy spewing his mouth off. Superstar Billy Graham yells at clouds. Why isn’t he as toxic as Corny? Because Cornette thinks that being racist and sexist and making physical threats to people is normal behavior. Fuck him. Anyone who hires him is a fucking moron.

Vince, Shane, Linda, and Stephanie McMahon – The single most destructive force in pro wrestling is the McMahon family, and it has been since Vince took over for his father. I will expound on this later, probably when Vince finally does everyone a favor and dies, but man, they suck so much.

Triple H – He’s not the subject of the oldest tag on this site for nothing. PS, stop having the longest match at WrestleMania, thx.