Twitter Request Line, Vol. 268

The Curvy Wife Guy, pictured above, really wants you to know he loves his wife even though *Scott Steiner voice* SHE’S FAT
Photo Credit: Kailee H. Judd

It’s Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can’t restrain me, fool! If you don’t know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

For me, it has to be the Curvy Wife Guy. Is it because he’s the first Wife Guy I can remember? Maybe. Or is it because the dude got Internet-famous for loudly declaring that, yes, he will still fuck his wife despite her being fat? Yeah, this is probably the reason. Not only is it sort of demeaning in that he’s making a big stink about his wife being curvy, which I think you can figure out for yourself why that’s wrong (or yell at me for why I assume that’s wrong which is wont to happen as well), but the most hilarious thing is that he actually thinks he’s an innovator in this field when millions upon millions of people love their spouses and don’t make mention of the fact that they might not have Hollywood actor measurements. Even more hilarious is that there’s an even further niche subsection of people who fetishize bigger people. I mean, he’s not even an innovative creeper! It’s what all makes this guy so (unintentionally) hilarious.

This question is super difficult because I like both and have done both. While more people should eat “lunch” or “dinner” foods for breakfast though, I think breakfast for dinner wins out by a hair. Really, bacon (or sausage or ham or pork roll or scrapple or whatever) and eggs with some kind of starch — be it toast, hash browns, home fries, or even pierogi — is almost the perfect meal and is super versatile. In fact, breakfast foods putting protein first actually make it more ideal for AFTER a hard day’s work or activity because you need the protein to restore or build up your muscle, whereas that big bowl of pasta you’re sitting down to eat at dinner time is probably better suited for breakfast.

Or who cares, eat what you wanna eat, when you want to eat it. I’m just saying, breakfast for dinner is a staple across working class and poor homes for a reason.

True story, my brother had a PlayStation but I rarely played it outside of the three Final Fantasy games for it and a MegaMan X title. I was more a N64 kid, so, I will give you my roster of 20 N64 games that should definitely go on it:

  • Super Mario 64
  • Mario Kart 64
  • Paper Mario
  • Mario Party
  • Super Smash Bros.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
  • The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
  • Donkey Kong 64
  • Goldeneye 007
  • Perfect Dark
  • Banjo-Kazooie
  • F-Zero X
  • Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
  • Harvest Moon
  • Pokémon Stadium
  • Pokémon Snap
  • Star Fox 64
  • Yoshi’s Story
  • Conker’s Bad Fur Day
  • Bomberman 64

Am I missing some classic titles? Yeah. Can I survive without any of the AKI wrestling games? Also yeah. Still, that’s a good list, I think. Sorry I couldn’t ruminate on that PS Classic though.

I don’t wanna.

In all seriousness, Extreme Rules is such a nothing event that I’m taking three matches from the 2012 show and only one other match for a short, “EP” mixtape:

  • World Heavyweight Championship Best Two of Three Falls: Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan (2012)
  • The Shield (Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins) vs. Evolution (Batista, Triple H, Randy Orton) (2014)
  • WWE Championship Match Chicago Street Fight: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho (2012)
  • Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena (2012)

Notable matches that are blocked by either title or redundancy are Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles for the WWE Championship in 2016 and Randy Orton vs. Kane in that wild garbage brawl in 2012. Wow, Extreme Rules really is 2012 and a whole shitload of nothing, isn’t it? I guess you can throw Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show for the Intercontinental Championship from 2012 in there if you want a silly palate cleanser, I guess.

First off, I completely agree. More wrestlers need to bring animals to the ring. The only person who does it nowadays is Teddy Hart, and he fucking sucks. No, seriously, even if you ignore the fact that rape charges against him magically disappeared because *shrug* (and you shouldn’t, to be honest), he’s accused of abusing the cats he brings to the ring. So fuck him.

Anyway, list of the people who should bring a pet to the ring starts with Liv Morgan, who should have a little frou-frou dog, something like a lhasa apso or a French bulldog. I don’t know why, but it feels to me that someone with a Harley Quinn-adjacent character should have a cute pet to belie her inner psychosis. Second, Alexa Bliss should bring Larry Steve to the ring, but only because I think Larry Steve owns. If you think he’d be too much of a sympathizing figure for the devilish Bliss, let Buddy Murphy take him to the ring. Third, let Yuka Sakazaki have a parrot. If she’s the Magical Girl, she should have some kind of animalian companion, and I think a parrot or even a cockatiel should be perched on her shoulder. Actually, the same should go for Kairi Sane, since she’s, y’know, the Pirate Princess. Fourth, the Estonian Thunder Frog should have a real frog, sorry if this offends. In a similar vein, Allie Kat should bring a cat to the ring, and perhaps the Proletariat Boar of Moldova should be accompanied by a pig like Larry Steve. Next, in an attempt to counter Solo Darling and Officer Magnum, Team FIST should have a pit bull. Finally, Toru Yano should be accompanied to the ring by a mischievous but cute monkey that steals things and distracts the ref while Yano is trying to cheat.

Perception is always reality. If you don’t think he’s shoved down your throat, he’s not shoved down your throat. Folks who feel like he is will find reasons that aren’t title reigns. It’s true that Reigns held the title laughably less than Cena did at his peak. It’s also true that Reigns was still a huge part of the main event despite the people who think he was artificial thinking he didn’t earn it. “Earning it” is a funny context in wrestling, especially in WWE, where no one earns anything, really. So while Brock Lesnar fucked off with whatever title he had, or when Seth Rollins was having his DISASTROUS first title run, Reigns was still front and center. If Reigns is shoved down anyone’s throat, it’s not his fault anyway. Vince McMahon has one speed, and it’s not a good one.

The best is Melinda May, same as it has been for the whole run. She’s kinda taken a backseat this season; I really dig Snowflake, but only because she seems to do SANitY-era Nikki Cross better than Cross did. But May is complex, but not overwrought, and she’s very good in action scenes.

The worst character is Mack, because he broods too much for an actor who can’t really brood. I also hate the way he says “tech.” I mean, I don’t hate him, but he’s the weak link on that cast.

The thing is that I go in and out with lyrics. One day I’ll love them from one song, another I’ll think how could I ever like something so tacky or fakedeep. But I’ll go with these lyrics from Janelle Monáe’s “I Like That”:

I remember when you laughed when I cut my perm off
And you rated me a six
I was like, “Damn”
But even back then with the tears in my eyes
I always knew I was the shit

It sorta distills a whole lot of an experience that a non-binary femme might go through, being judged on their looks. No matter how confident you are, no matter how much you know you’re “the shit,” when someone tells you that your new haircut makes you less attractive, well, your ego takes a hit. But it’s the perseverance, y’know? That idea that no matter how much some boy you like intimates to you that you are not his type in crude language, that you can overcome it and become something greater, something that transcends what other people think. And to be in a position where you can address that person in a song, well, that’s priceless.

Two lyrics questions in a row? Wow. Anyway, I would probably get “Exit Light” tattooed on my buttcheeks for obvious reasons. But I don’t wanna get a tattoo, so you’ll be spared from that.

The John Report: The WWE Raw Deal 07/15/19 Review

Welcome to another edition of the WWE Raw Deal review for post-Extreme Rules edition of Monday Night Raw. You can check out my WWE Extreme Rules review here in case you missed it. It featured a lot of good matches over the course of four hours, but not a single that I would say was outstanding or a must-see match. Nothing was bad, though. It was also newsworthy because Brock Lesnar cashed in Money in the Bank on Seth Rollins to win back the Universal Championship. Some people might say Lesnar as Universal Champion again is bad and I can’t say I’m thrilled about it either. Rollins wasn’t that interesting as the champ, though, so I can see why WWE made the change. I just hope Lesnar’s reign isn’t too long. Also, AJ Styles beat Ricochet to become the United States Champion thanks to some help. We are officially on the road to SummerSlam, which is less than four weeks away on August 11 in Toronto (go Raptors).

For this week’s Raw, WWE has announced two matches:

– There will be a 10-man battle royal featuring Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Baron Corbin, Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Braun Strowman, Bobby Lashley, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Big E. When they first announced the match, they had listed Daniel Bryan and then they changed it to Sami Zayn. That’s why the banner of this top has Zayn “pasted” in there. The winner of that battle royal gets to challenge Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship at SummerSlam. To the ones saying “shouldn’t you put the people that won at the PPV instead of the ones that lost at the PPV in the match” I agree with you. It’s not up to me. This is WWE where they don’t care about logic. Plus, there’s a Smackdown live event tonight, so I assume Aleister Black is there. Could they have set it up better? Of course. That’s a frustrating thing about being a WWE fan.  Also, obviously, the brand extension continues to be ignored.

– A Fatal 4-Way women’s match was also announced between Natalya, Naomi, Alexa Bliss and Carmella. The winner of that match gets to challenge Becky Lynch for the Raw Women’s Title at SummerSlam on August 11.

This is also the first Raw where it’s expected that Paul Heyman will be fully entrenched as the Executive Director of Raw with Vince McMahon nearby of course. I joked on Twitter that anything that is good on Raw will be credited to Heyman while bad things will be blamed on Vince. That’s just some fans are these days. I’m trying to look at things optimistically and I liked Extreme Rules, so here’s hoping for some excitement on the road to SummerSlam next month.

Live from Long Island (Uniondale), New York, this is the Raw Deal for episode #1363 of Monday Night Raw. Follow me on Twitter @johnreport. Please visit daily for our regular updates on the wrestling business featuring WWE news coverage along with reviews about wrestling’s past and present.

Raw began with a shot of the crowd with Michael Cole welcoming us to the show.

Let’s Hear from Brock Lesnar…But Really Paul Heyman

Brock Lesnar’s music as the three-time Universal Champion Lesnar made his entrance. Lesnar put the title by his ear like a boombox as a joke like he did with the Money in the Bank briefcase. Lesnar had Paul Heyman with him as usual. A video package aired showing the main event of Extreme Rules with Lesnar cashing in the Money in the Bank contract on Universal Champion Seth Rollins, which led to Lesnar leaving with the Universal Championship again.

Heyman introduced us saying that he’s been waiting to say this for several months…and new reigning defending, undisputed Universal Heavyweight Champion…Brock Lesnar. The crowd had a mix of boos and cheers. Heyman said that what amazes him is you tell people the truth and they would rather you tell them a lie. Heyman said “we told you so” and reminded us that he said it last week on Raw that Lesnar would cash in the Money in the Bank contract. Heyman told us at Extreme Rules as well and Lesnar did it to leave as the champion. I missed a few minutes of the speech due to some technical difficulties on my end. I’m sure it was just Heyman bragging.

They talked about the 10-man battle royal for a shot at Lesnar at SummerSlam. There were graphics shown on the video screen featuring these ten men: Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Baron Corbin, Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Braun Strowman, Bobby Lashley, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Big E. He didn’t read the names in that order, but I just felt using what I had above. When Zayn’s image was on the screen, Heyman joked that he hoped Zayn wins the battle royal.

Heyman said that last at Extreme Rules, Rollins strode into Philadelphia like he was Becky Lynch’s stud and when Lesnar got through with Rollins, Seth was nothing more than a gelding. Heyman said that if you don’t understand the reference, Google it because he’s not there to educate especially here in Long Island. Heyman said that when you step in the ring with Lesnar, you risk your health, your welfare and your very manhood. Heyman said this is a guarantee, a promise, a threat, a spoiler – if any one of you ever had the opportunity to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar, you’d be risking your health, your welfare and your manhood because in this universe you’re all Brock’s bitches.

Analysis: It was the usual bragging promo by Heyman about how Lesnar is the greatest. We have heard it many times over the last five years since Lesnar has dominated the WWE Championship and Universal Title picture. I was surprised that there was no Rollins interruption, but I guess the story there is that Seth would be getting ready for the battle royal later in the night.

As Lesnar left the ring with Heyman, Ricochet’s music hit and former US Champion made his entrance. Ricochet ran into the ring as Lesnar looked at him doing his flips in the ring. Cole mentioned that Ricochet could be a future Universal Champion. Ricochet didn’t really stare back at Lesnar.

Analysis: I wonder if that Ricochet and Lesnar tease is a potential long term storyline that WWE might be looking to do at some point later this year or early next year.

Still to come: Women’s Fatal 4-Way, Finn Balor vs. Samoa Joe and more.


The Revival, who are the Raw Tag Team Champions, were in the ring with Robert Roode. It’s a full beard look for Roode instead of the mustache look. The Raw announce team is Michael Cole, Renee Young and Corey Graves as usual.

The Usos made their entrance to team up with Ricochet. They did a quick pre-match promo about how they are teaming with “Ricky” tonight.

Two out of Three Falls Match: The Usos and Ricochet vs. The Revival and Robert Roode

The first fall was over quickly with Ricochet hitting the Recoil (Codebreaker) followed by a standing Shooting Star Press on Dawson for the pinfall.

The Usos and Ricochet lead 1-0.

Ricochet hit Roode with a hurricanrana and a dropkick. There was a graphic with Hulk Hogan on it that was promoting Raw Reunion next Monday. Roode with a spinebuster on Jey Uso for a two count. Wilder tagged in choking Jey over the top rope. Wilder with a body slam, but Jey avoided an elbow smash. Jimmy tagged in with a kick to the ribs followed by a Samoan Drop on Wilder. Jimmy decked Roode with a punch, Dawson tagged in and hit a flapjack on Jimmy for the pinfall. Really? That was surprising as a move that would get a pinfall. I figured they would hit their finisher, but it was just a flapjack. Anyway, that led to a break for the third fall.

The match is tied 1-1.




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Roman Reigns Announced For Monday Night Raw Tonight

Local advertising has confirmed that the Big Dog, Roman Reigns will be appearing on Monday Night Raw tonight following his Extreme Rules victory.

Reigns teamed up with The Undertaker in the opening match of Extreme Rules where they were victorious against Shane McMahon and Drew McIntyre and is now expected to appear on the red brand tonight.

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