|The Curvy Wife Guy, pictured above, really wants you to know he loves his wife even though *Scott Steiner voice* SHE’S FAT
Photo Credit: Kailee H. Judd
It’s Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can’t restrain me, fool! If you don’t know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:
For me, it has to be the Curvy Wife Guy. Is it because he’s the first Wife Guy I can remember? Maybe. Or is it because the dude got Internet-famous for loudly declaring that, yes, he will still fuck his wife despite her being fat? Yeah, this is probably the reason. Not only is it sort of demeaning in that he’s making a big stink about his wife being curvy, which I think you can figure out for yourself why that’s wrong (or yell at me for why I assume that’s wrong which is wont to happen as well), but the most hilarious thing is that he actually thinks he’s an innovator in this field when millions upon millions of people love their spouses and don’t make mention of the fact that they might not have Hollywood actor measurements. Even more hilarious is that there’s an even further niche subsection of people who fetishize bigger people. I mean, he’s not even an innovative creeper! It’s what all makes this guy so (unintentionally) hilarious.
This question is super difficult because I like both and have done both. While more people should eat “lunch” or “dinner” foods for breakfast though, I think breakfast for dinner wins out by a hair. Really, bacon (or sausage or ham or pork roll or scrapple or whatever) and eggs with some kind of starch — be it toast, hash browns, home fries, or even pierogi — is almost the perfect meal and is super versatile. In fact, breakfast foods putting protein first actually make it more ideal for AFTER a hard day’s work or activity because you need the protein to restore or build up your muscle, whereas that big bowl of pasta you’re sitting down to eat at dinner time is probably better suited for breakfast.
Or who cares, eat what you wanna eat, when you want to eat it. I’m just saying, breakfast for dinner is a staple across working class and poor homes for a reason.
True story, my brother had a PlayStation but I rarely played it outside of the three Final Fantasy games for it and a MegaMan X title. I was more a N64 kid, so, I will give you my roster of 20 N64 games that should definitely go on it:
- Super Mario 64
- Mario Kart 64
- Paper Mario
- Mario Party
- Super Smash Bros.
- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
- Donkey Kong 64
- Goldeneye 007
- Perfect Dark
- F-Zero X
- Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
- Harvest Moon
- Pokémon Stadium
- Pokémon Snap
- Star Fox 64
- Yoshi’s Story
- Conker’s Bad Fur Day
- Bomberman 64
Am I missing some classic titles? Yeah. Can I survive without any of the AKI wrestling games? Also yeah. Still, that’s a good list, I think. Sorry I couldn’t ruminate on that PS Classic though.
I don’t wanna.
In all seriousness, Extreme Rules is such a nothing event that I’m taking three matches from the 2012 show and only one other match for a short, “EP” mixtape:
- World Heavyweight Championship Best Two of Three Falls: Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan (2012)
- The Shield (Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins) vs. Evolution (Batista, Triple H, Randy Orton) (2014)
- WWE Championship Match Chicago Street Fight: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho (2012)
- Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena (2012)
Notable matches that are blocked by either title or redundancy are Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles for the WWE Championship in 2016 and Randy Orton vs. Kane in that wild garbage brawl in 2012. Wow, Extreme Rules really is 2012 and a whole shitload of nothing, isn’t it? I guess you can throw Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show for the Intercontinental Championship from 2012 in there if you want a silly palate cleanser, I guess.
First off, I completely agree. More wrestlers need to bring animals to the ring. The only person who does it nowadays is Teddy Hart, and he fucking sucks. No, seriously, even if you ignore the fact that rape charges against him magically disappeared because *shrug* (and you shouldn’t, to be honest), he’s accused of abusing the cats he brings to the ring. So fuck him.
Anyway, list of the people who should bring a pet to the ring starts with Liv Morgan, who should have a little frou-frou dog, something like a lhasa apso or a French bulldog. I don’t know why, but it feels to me that someone with a Harley Quinn-adjacent character should have a cute pet to belie her inner psychosis. Second, Alexa Bliss should bring Larry Steve to the ring, but only because I think Larry Steve owns. If you think he’d be too much of a sympathizing figure for the devilish Bliss, let Buddy Murphy take him to the ring. Third, let Yuka Sakazaki have a parrot. If she’s the Magical Girl, she should have some kind of animalian companion, and I think a parrot or even a cockatiel should be perched on her shoulder. Actually, the same should go for Kairi Sane, since she’s, y’know, the Pirate Princess. Fourth, the Estonian Thunder Frog should have a real frog, sorry if this offends. In a similar vein, Allie Kat should bring a cat to the ring, and perhaps the Proletariat Boar of Moldova should be accompanied by a pig like Larry Steve. Next, in an attempt to counter Solo Darling and Officer Magnum, Team FIST should have a pit bull. Finally, Toru Yano should be accompanied to the ring by a mischievous but cute monkey that steals things and distracts the ref while Yano is trying to cheat.
Perception is always reality. If you don’t think he’s shoved down your throat, he’s not shoved down your throat. Folks who feel like he is will find reasons that aren’t title reigns. It’s true that Reigns held the title laughably less than Cena did at his peak. It’s also true that Reigns was still a huge part of the main event despite the people who think he was artificial thinking he didn’t earn it. “Earning it” is a funny context in wrestling, especially in WWE, where no one earns anything, really. So while Brock Lesnar fucked off with whatever title he had, or when Seth Rollins was having his DISASTROUS first title run, Reigns was still front and center. If Reigns is shoved down anyone’s throat, it’s not his fault anyway. Vince McMahon has one speed, and it’s not a good one.
The best is Melinda May, same as it has been for the whole run. She’s kinda taken a backseat this season; I really dig Snowflake, but only because she seems to do SANitY-era Nikki Cross better than Cross did. But May is complex, but not overwrought, and she’s very good in action scenes.
The worst character is Mack, because he broods too much for an actor who can’t really brood. I also hate the way he says “tech.” I mean, I don’t hate him, but he’s the weak link on that cast.
The thing is that I go in and out with lyrics. One day I’ll love them from one song, another I’ll think how could I ever like something so tacky or fakedeep. But I’ll go with these lyrics from Janelle Monáe’s “I Like That”:
I remember when you laughed when I cut my perm off
And you rated me a six
I was like, “Damn”
But even back then with the tears in my eyes
I always knew I was the shit
It sorta distills a whole lot of an experience that a non-binary femme might go through, being judged on their looks. No matter how confident you are, no matter how much you know you’re “the shit,” when someone tells you that your new haircut makes you less attractive, well, your ego takes a hit. But it’s the perseverance, y’know? That idea that no matter how much some boy you like intimates to you that you are not his type in crude language, that you can overcome it and become something greater, something that transcends what other people think. And to be in a position where you can address that person in a song, well, that’s priceless.
Two lyrics questions in a row? Wow. Anyway, I would probably get “Exit Light” tattooed on my buttcheeks for obvious reasons. But I don’t wanna get a tattoo, so you’ll be spared from that.